Channel Migration: A Modest Proposal

 Channel Migration: A Modest Proposal

 

(With apologies to Swift’s original of 1729)

 

I’m at the Home Office – the Under-Secretary for Anti-Migration. If I play my cards right, I could one day be the Permanent Secretary for Total Exclusion.

 

I’ve just returned to the Office. After work, last week, I went unsocially distanced to the pub round the corner. I was worrying about those at risk in the Channel – I mean the Border Force people who put themselves on the front line intercepting those awful migrant boats. I was gazing with perplexity into my triple whiskey, when someone slipped into the seat next to me.

 

“Forgive me”, he said, “I recognise you from your furtive TV appearances. You’re in charge of the Channel, aren’t you? If you have a minute to spare, I have a proposal.”

 

I listened with increasing interest and admiration. He suggested two simple strategies. First, a barrage of wave machines of sufficient potency to overturn the average migrant boat. Secondly, and this was genius – sharks. Not any old sharks, but sharks implanted with sensors that would control their range.  If they tried to leave the area of the machines, an electric shock would deter them. Thus they would mill around, ravenous.

 

These would become England’s Sentinels.

 

I turned to my stranger companion. “I’m impressed”, I said, extending my hand. “Happy to be of some assistance to HMG”, he replied. “By the way, I’m Jonathan, Jonathan Swift. Of course, it’s only A Modest Proposal”.

 

Sept 2021